Saturday, May 11, 2013

An Ugly Word

I need to be more willing and thankful for the hardships that life throws my way.

There is an extremely ugly word in the English language. And, unfortunately this word has been spoken to me, about me and even by me. This word that I am speaking of is: Infertility.

(Before I go on, please know that this post is excruciatingly painful for me to write).

I am about to open my heart more than I ever have.

Dennis and I have been trying for over 4 years to have a baby. These past 4 + years have consisted of doctors, testing, fertility drugs, vitamins, acupuncture, surgery, more tests, tears, pain, frustration, questions all without the results we want.

Now that I am opening my heart to you (my readers) here are some tidbits for you.
  • Please do not ever tell us (or someone else you know who is trying) to "just relax." Don't tell us to "not try." Believe me - "relaxing" hasn't worked for us. We've had plenty of time to "relax" and nothing to show for it.
  • Don't ask if us or others you know if they are going to have kids. It frankly is none of your business. The act to make a baby is completely private and so should the subject be.
  • And, if someone does open their heart to you and let you know that they have been trying, don't ask if they have considered adoption. I've read that parents who adopt have to grieve that they'll NEVER have their own children. Can you imagine how hard that will be for us? Can you imagine how hard that would be for you? Adoption too is an individual choice (and super expensive).
  • Don't ask if a person has considered or will do fertility treatments. And don't ask the details of how fertility treatments are done - again that is completely private!
  • Don't say "Oh, I know this person and after they adopted, they got pregnant." That's great for that person - but it doesn't work for everyone.
  • Don't say that it must not be in God's plan for us to have kids. Do you seriously think that God blesses those who abuse and kill their children with kids ~
  • Don't complain about your pregnancy. I'm sorry you are sore. I'm sorry you can't sleep at night. I'm sorry you feel sick to your stomach all the time. I'm sorry you are gaining weight. I'm sorry your ankles are getting swollen ... etc ... BUT ... You are pregnant! I would give almost anything to have those symptoms because of being pregnant!!!
Here's what you can/should say:

  • Let the person know that you've heard it's one of the toughest things to go through.
  • Do let them know that you're there for them if they ever need to talk or even a shoulder to cry on.
  • Do let them know that whatever they chose in life you'll support them, love them and not judge them. EVER.
In the beginning, I thought it was simple. Dennis and I would just have kids - no problems. I never dreamed that I wouldn't have children. Every year that passes, it seems that a little more of my heart dies. Every year that passes, I realize that I may face my future with Dennis and our cats. Please don't read this wrong - I love Dennis with all my heart. And, I do really look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. However, I also feel that I am ready for more. I am ready to love Dennis in ways that I never imagined as I watch him with our children. I am ready to be together, learning, making mistakes about raising our children.

I know our story is not completely written yet. We are currently doctoring and I try to remain hopeful that we'll one day be parents. I try to remain upbeat and show excitement for my friends and family who are pregnant. (I know they have their struggles too - we all do). Please pray for us. If you don't pray or don't believe in prayer - please think of us. Please send good thoughts our direction. Please don't look at us with sympathy, but rather with more understanding. We aren't selfish people that want to live our lives the way we want without kids interferring ... we are two human beings that love each other and have raw hearts as we keep trying on our fertility journey.

Please know that I have opened my heart here and now more than I ever have before. Please know this was and is extremely difficult for me to do.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I am one who has unknowingly been insensitive to your situation by asking the wrong questions. Please forgive me.

    We all have 'stuff' that follows us through life. I often ask myself, 'if _________ never changes, how can I still live a happy life'?

    I love you, Jennifer, and will continue to send energetic, healing, positive baby vibes your way. :)