Update to my previous post.

**********************UPDATE TO MY PREVIOUS  POST************************

After receiving some comments about my blog post, I want to reassure that this post was in no way directed at any one in particular. I in no way meant for my post to be blunt or forward. I in no way meant for my readers to feel any harm or have any hard feelings. I in no way meant for my readers who have been blessed with having children feel guilty. I am happy that you are able to have children. I love your children so much. And, also I'd like to be approachable if anyone has any questions. I do not want to scare people off and make them feel that I can never or will never talk about it.

I did want my readers to know to treat those without kids gently. That there could be something going on there behind the scenes that hurts and is out of their control. I think infertility awareness is becoming a more broad spoken of subject as of late and unfortunately, Dennis and I are in that category.

Please accept my sincerest apology if my post made you feel bad or uncomfortable. Please know also that if you have questions, you are more than welcome to ask me. I have done a lot of research and would be happy to share what I've learned. Ü I sometimes feel like I should walk around with a Handle With Care sticker on my - but really we all need to be handled with care. I know that I have learned in this situation also.

Thanks for your understanding, love and support.

An Ugly Word

I need to be more willing and thankful for the hardships that life throws my way.

There is an extremely ugly word in the English language. And, unfortunately this word has been spoken to me, about me and even by me. This word that I am speaking of is: Infertility.

(Before I go on, please know that this post is excruciatingly painful for me to write).

I am about to open my heart more than I ever have.

Dennis and I have been trying for over 4 years to have a baby. These past 4 + years have consisted of doctors, testing, fertility drugs, vitamins, acupuncture, surgery, more tests, tears, pain, frustration, questions all without the results we want.

Now that I am opening my heart to you (my readers) here are some tidbits for you.

• Please do not ever tell us (or someone else you know who is trying) to "just relax." Don't tell us to "not try." Believe me - "relaxing" hasn't worked for us. We've had plenty of time to "relax" and nothing to show for it.
• Don't ask if us or others you know if they are going to have kids. It frankly is none of your business. The act to make a baby is completely private and so should the subject be.
• And, if someone does open their heart to you and let you know that they have been trying, don't ask if they have considered adoption. I've read that parents who adopt have to grieve that they'll NEVER have their own children. Can you imagine how hard that will be for us? Can you imagine how hard that would be for you? Adoption too is an individual choice (and super expensive).
• Don't ask if a person has considered or will do fertility treatments. And don't ask the details of how fertility treatments are done - again that is completely private!
• Don't say "Oh, I know this person and after they adopted, they got pregnant." That's great for that person - but it doesn't work for everyone.
• Don't say that it must not be in God's plan for us to have kids. Do you seriously think that God blesses those who abuse and kill their children with kids ~
• Don't complain about your pregnancy. I'm sorry you are sore. I'm sorry you can't sleep at night. I'm sorry you feel sick to your stomach all the time. I'm sorry you are gaining weight. I'm sorry your ankles are getting swollen ... etc ... BUT ... You are pregnant! I would give almost anything to have those symptoms because of being pregnant!!!

Here's what you can/should say:

• Let the person know that you've heard it's one of the toughest things to go through.
• Do let them know that you're there for them if they ever need to talk or even a shoulder to cry on.
• Do let them know that whatever they chose in life you'll support them, love them and not judge them. EVER.

In the beginning, I thought it was simple. Dennis and I would just have kids - no problems. I never dreamed that I wouldn't have children. Every year that passes, it seems that a little more of my heart dies. Every year that passes, I realize that I may face my future with Dennis and our cats. Please don't read this wrong - I love Dennis with all my heart. And, I do really look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. However, I also feel that I am ready for more. I am ready to love Dennis in ways that I never imagined as I watch him with our children. I am ready to be together, learning, making mistakes about raising our children.

I know our story is not completely written yet. We are currently doctoring and I try to remain hopeful that we'll one day be parents. I try to remain upbeat and show excitement for my friends and family who are pregnant. (I know they have their struggles too - we all do). Please pray for us. If you don't pray or don't believe in prayer - please think of us. Please send good thoughts our direction. Please don't look at us with sympathy, but rather with more understanding. We aren't selfish people that want to live our lives the way we want without kids interferring ... we are two human beings that love each other and have raw hearts as we keep trying on our fertility journey.

Please know that I have opened my heart here and now more than I ever have before. Please know this was and is extremely difficult for me to do.

Becoming an Auntie!

Dennis and I have known for 2 whole months now that we're moving up in the status world. We're becoming an Uncle and Auntie!

And, we found out today that our dear sister is having a girl! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. I get a baby girl in my life and even closer than that, in my family!

I am really looking forward to watching my sweet little niece grow. To see her as a newborn, an infant, a toddler, a kid, a tween, a teen and an adult (although I am going to ignore that one for right now). I am looking forward to dressing her up, doing her hair. And, of course I am looking forward to playing house, dolls, having tea parties and just being girls. I am looking forward to taking her shopping when she gets older and letting her pick things out that she wants - first when she's small, I'm sure it'll be toys but as she gets older I'm thinking it'll be clothes or shoes. I am hoping that I will be the kind of Auntie that she will feel free to talk to me about her parents (when she's upset at them), tell me who she has a crush on and why. I am looking forward to taking her to the zoo, Children's Musem, and even to get ice cream!

I am just excited to become an Auntie.

I definitely forsee frequent trips between Portland and Boise over the next several years!

Ready or not for me niece - I am so ready for you! I am so excited to have you in my life and I simply cannot wait until I get to meet you in person! I already love you so much!

Lately

It appears as if the last time I posted was 4 weeks ago. That was a long time ago and I haven't yet finished that post - there are still pictures missing ...

However ... Lately ....

We have been so busy. Or at least that's how it feels. So much has been going on - or maybe it's just adjusting to working full time again - and driving minimum of 1/2 hour to and from work. I already work a 9 hour day (8 with 1 hour for lunch) and then add at least another hour. So, I am gone at least 10 hours a day. I know this is normal for lots of people - and it is now normal for me! There's always something that needs to get done and our home always seems to be in disarray. It's a definite work in progress for me to keep a clean, organized house.

We had a really nice weekend at Kahneeta Hot Springs to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary! 6 years! I cannot believe it's been that long and we still like each other - possibly even more than on our wedding day! We stayed in The Village - which is closer to the hot springs. Our room had a gas fire place. We spent about 2 hours in the hot springs on both Friday and Saturday. It was such a nice, relaxing weekend and I look forward to when we can do something like this again. Included in our room charge was breakfast for 2 at the restaurant in The Lodge. The food was incredible!! The first morning, Dennis had a crab omelet and I had salmon hash. The second morning Dennis had steak & eggs and I had the buffet and the third morning Dennis went back to the crab omelet and I had the buffet again. It was delish!

Work has been CRAZILY hectic. 2 weeks ago, my manager, who I really liked, quit and moved out of state for another job. This week, her manager quit for another job. So, it's just been the Payroll & Benefits Specialist and myself - and will be until a replacement HR person is found. Tomorrow, I will be all by myself in the morning and possibly longer since Nina (the Payroll person) is out on a family emergency!

We bought a new car! My trusty Honda was giving up the ghost - so we found a 2008 ford foucs on craigslist listed for a good price. We test drove it, liked it and paid cash for it! That part was awesome - but we now need to build up our emergency fund again!

Next week, Lloyd will be visiting us for the week and we look forward to that! Hopefully this weekend, our house will get spiffed up for his arrival.

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far) and hopefully I'll post pictures soon of Kahneeta. We didn't take too many pictures - we were spending the time reading, in the hot springs or relaxing!

Texas!!!

Dennis and I went to Texas to visit our very special friends for Christmas this year. We were there from Dec 22 - 31 and that time went way too fast! We had such a wonderful time, ate really good homemade food, had some amazing visits, played with some beautiful kids, met in sweet fellowship and saw San Antonio! We experienced Chick-Fil A for the first, second and third time! We had such a great time and really can't wait until we can see our dear friends again! 

(I seem to be having problems adding pictures. I'll add more later when it works better).

Ava receiving and trying on the Rapunzel hat I made for her. I think she likes it!

Super cute!

 Jaina Mae!

"Dennis, I want LOTS of ice cream"

Hanging out

Talking a walk at Pecan Grove

Adorable Ava

Dancing Ava

Dancing to the music!

Riverwalk San Antonio! Jenny had to carry Ava because she wasn't watching where she was going. We were all afraid she'd fall into the 4' river!

Back view of Ava being carried

Taking a break sitting down

Dennis and I

Ava in her Rapunzel hat

Playing with the braids

Close up shot

"Brrrr, It's cold outside!"

Thanksgiving

Being thankful. It seems that so many in our country are not thankful for how good things are here. Sure, many are unemployed. Sure, some are homeless. Sure, some don't know where their next meal will come from - but I think compared to other countries we have it really good here. If there's a 10% unemployment rate - doesn't that mean that 90% are working? And, as far as homelessness and the hungry - this time of year especially people give. Maybe we could give to the needy during other times of the year too. In April, July, September people are hungry during those months to.

What our Thanksgiving plans are:

We're heading to Redmond to be with my parents, Jon & Tamara. I am thankful to have family to share holidays with.

What I am thankful for: (you might want to grab a cup of tea - this is going to be long)

Living in United States:

• Freedom
• Freedom of speech
• Freedom to go where I want, when I want
• Freedom to spend money when I want on what I want
• Freedom to eat what I want, when I want
• Freedom to chose which doctor I want to see
• Freedom to chose where I want to live
• Freedom to chose who my friends are
• Freedom to talk on the phone ...

I think the list could go on and on with this subject.

My family:

• Thankful that my family all gets along
• Thankful that I have parents who are still together and love each other
• Thankful my brothers, sister in laws, parents and I are all on speaking terms
• Thankful for my husband who loves me
• Thankful that into my 30's I still have both sets of Grandparents
• Thankful I have a big family - love my cousins
• Thankful my family goes to meetings

My house:

• Love our new first houme
• So glad that we could buy a home
• Thankful the first house we looked at and agreed on became ours
• Love the wood floors we put into our house
• It's fun to look at what we've done and dream about what we want to do to the house
• Glad our 2 furry beasts, Fluffy and Buggers, like our home too
• Happy that I want to have more company over and try to keep our house clean

My job:

• Glad I found a job that I like
• So happy that I do more than just answer the phones
• Impressed that I work with 3 women and we all get along
• So thankful that I have a manager who treats me FAIR!
• So relieved that I actually get to go to doctors appointments - even once a month ones without a huge fuss being made about it
• Glad that my manager knows how to and is willing to answer the phones
• Thankful that I have been here for 9 weeks now and have not been pulled aside and talked to about petty things that I forgot to do ... like what happened to me at Lightspeed.
• Happy that employees here are actually encouraged to talk with others!

My husband:

• Thankful that my husband is my biggest support
• Thankful my husband has a job and works so incredibly hard
• Happy my husband is a handy man and can fix almost anything that's broken
• It's been so fun to grow together with my husband
• So glad he's realizing that "what makes wife happy makes everybody happy." :)
• Happy he's become more social
• Thankful that we have become best friends
• Thankful that the biggest 2 disagreements/fights in a marriage (religion & money) is taken care of in our household.
• Thankful I love my husband

I think for now - that is all I will put. There might be more that will be added later ... but I think that's quite a lot to be thankful for.

Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving everybody and please remember to be thankful all year - we truly have SO MUCH to be thankful for!

update on Grandma

My dear Grandma has been through so much. I don't really know where to continue from the last post that I wrote about Grandma. Tuesday morning they got her heart working again but had to keep her 'open' because of the swelling. She went back for surgery on Thursday to get 'closed' up. She wasn't talking and that was a concern but nurses were saying that she was exhausted. She still wasn't talking much Sunday morning so they did a CT scan but didn't find anything. Tuesday afternoon (11/20) she still wasn't talking a lot so they did another CT scan. The results came back empty again - they were looking to see if she had a stroke. Wednesday morning they had to drain liquid off from her lungs. She asked for Grandpa to be by her side Wednesday. I think all of the family members are worried about Grandma and wondering what all this means. I am so thankful that my dad is planning on being there with Grandpa Thanksgiving day and the day after. None of us know what this means or why this is happening to my dear Grandma - but we do know that it is in God's hands. Dear Grandpa and Grandma - I'm thinking of you two and love you so much!